when i first met my wife she was a devout vegetarian. five years later, while at burning man for the first time, she ate a whole can of sardines. after that she ate all the fish fit to eat.

four years and a few months later, at her request, i baked a whole chicken for dinner. she fell on it like (noun of choice) on (noun of choice). over the next two weeks we claimed the lives of another eight birds, savoring every bone, liver and giblet along the way.

a couple of weeks ago her lust for blood escalated yet again. the cow, sacred no longer, is being consumed with same aplomb shown to fish and fowl.

last week she had BLT's for breakfast the whole week. now, i enjoy flesh as much, if not more than the next fellow, but truly enough is enough. tonight we will have tofu sandwiches for dinner.

Buddha's Take

BUDDHA: Nehru, I read both parts of your letter. Some of it made me laugh, but for the most part it was displaced hate and anger. War is a great clarifier. It forces people to take sides. You took your side and George W took his. We all have our own paths to follow. By calling him a stupid asshole coward you demonstrate your own intolerance and indifference to mankind. You then become a "hardliner" of a different stripe. The resentments and anger you have for yourself, which are inward, are camouflage for your outward hatred of Bush. You are basically insecure and this is borne out when you threaten to kick Tim's ass for no good reason.

NEHRU: What?

BUDDHA: Did I strike a nerve?

NEHRU: I'll strike your big belly with a knuckle sandwich!

BUDDHA: Ooooooh, you frighten me. All I'm saying Nehru is... everything lies beneath. You can't judge a book by its cover.

NEHRU: Hey can I quote you on that? You sound like Dr. Phil fucked a choir boy and then puked up. You think you're a real smarty?

BUDDHA: I don't. I am.

NEHRU: Whatever floats your boat dude...

BUDDHA: That Dr. Phil remark did not trouble me because I consider the source. But when I hear such infantile expressions such as "whatever floats your boat" I must admit, "you got my goat." I'm starting to hate you.

NEHRU: Oh so you are human!?

BUDDHA: Yeah, you bet your ass.

NEHRU: So what you were accusing me of earlier, you are now guilty of? Well, what does that say of your wisdom? Are we to infer that not only is Nehru justified in his hatred but that he is also a bit smarter than thou?

BUDDHA: But...but...

NEHRU: But nothing. So nw we come full circle...

BUDDHA: As much as I detest your personality I must now admit in my Buddha heart that George W is one of the biggest assholes this side of the Mississippi.

NEHRU: Amen to that, tons of fun. Hey, how do you get along with the good Lord?

BUDDHA: Ok, I reckon. He had a missing 18 years and in that time he fucked his share of virgins. Actually, by the standards of today, they were groupies.

NEHRU: You know that for a fact?

BUDDHA: Fucking "A" Jody!

NEHRU: That's weird. Why would he lead a church that says to masturbate is a mortal sin?

BUDDHA: You got me by the balls. Why would he? It's natural!

NEHRU: Jesus Christ! Now I've got the mental image of you flogging your dolphin. You're supposed to be the dude who left behind desires and here you are confessing to me of snapping your carrot.

BUDDHA: Nobody is perfect. That's why we're here to develop our spiritual nature. And if we get laid or our dicks sucked along the way, well it just can't be helped.

NEHRU & BUDDHA: Amen to that.

All of a sudden, George W appears and starts to talk his bullshit.

GEORGE W: I'm a born again Christian and of course I believe the only way to heaven is thru Jesus Christ. That sonny-boy is the truth. Don't ask me why - I just believe it. Just like the terrorists believe that if they martyr themselves they will attain 70 virgins in paradise. I believe I will go to heaven and the whole lot of you sinners will forever roast in hell.

BUDDHA: What the fuck?

NEHRU: Just let him go on. He's a pinhead.

... to be continued ...

Editorial

In Vietnam the men who fought the war were of the lower to middle class of our society. The rich kept their sons out of it. 47 percent of the of the dead [American soldiers] in Iraq are men from small towns. They were young - the average age of a combat soldier in Vietnam was 19 years. Tell me whjat you knew about world politics at that age. Remember our conversation about Tiananmen Square? Yep, it occured in 1989. That's the year when the Chinese killed their young. What a horrible massacre those old pricks did to their young. I now realize, that's what we do here.

The war was unnecessary and old rich man procecuted it. Their egos and political future were invested. The whole world knew we were wrong. History and even Robert McNamara, Sec'ty of Defense at the time, admit to it. So we caused incalcuable pain and grief to the tune of 58 thousand dead and oh yeah, about a million gooks. Agent Orange is our legacy.

Now here we have a prez who wages a war under false pretenses. He is an utter moron that should've got Bin Laden in Afghanistan and stabalized that country, but went into Iraq instead. A CIA officer said that in so doing we gave Bin Laden an Xman gift.

He has made so many mistakes in this war that it boggles the imagination. You would think that mature adults would immediately recognize him to be an 8th grade idiot. Yet he reads the teleprompter and continues on. That freaks me out. Oh yes, I fully realize that the typical American is a wishy-washy religious zealot easily manipulated by a 20 second commercial. But where do we draw the line? How much bullshit can the average American absorb? I hope there is a limit.

It's getting late and I'm thru mincing words ans mispelling them. So let me say this striaght out. In my heart, in my bones I feel that George W is the biggest fucking idiot in the history of man. Even in our fucked up system, he is an anomoly. He is so very stupid that an intelligent Republican should not vote for such a dumbass.

His mother, deep down must know that he is sub-intelligent. Yea, sure he stole the election via his father's supreme court and brother Jeb. But he never ever should have been considered Presidential material. Yet, this phoney prick is our leader. Wow! Great system we have here when I feeled compelled to vote for Kerry, when I really want to vote for Nader again. I have reservations about Kerry. After all - he is a billionare who volunteered in the war. Fuck, why did he do that? Our Alderman had a flier out bragging that he served two terms in Vietnam. I'm thinking to myself, yea one term is quite enough - if you re-up you have issues! So I voted against the [Alderman] boy.

We talked him the other day about paving over our alleys with asphalt. He likes it - we don't. I think he has a little Bush inside him. A block over, this artist guy has a sign that dares to say that "Art Relieves Social Constipation". His response? Take it down. "how could I ever explain that to my 10 year old daughter?" Yea, Tim you kow him.

So we have these reactionary pudsall thru the 3 branches of power and I do believe that it's their fucked-up religion fueling them. I sat onto them: Why do you think your religion are Natural Laws of the Universe? Ain't that what those terrorists think?

Geez, here it is going on one o'clock and I'm still writing this "editorial". You know what I think it is that I don't quit? It's probably because I haven't expressed in full my misgivings about Bush. Yes, I'm leaving something unsaid. Let's see...everything so far has been somewhat reasonable and based on fact. Now I move on to my hidden agenda. What I truly think and was afraid to say beforehand. Unencumbered and whatever. I'm going to the bathroom and then I shall have my say.

Ok back.

Fuck man, that Bush is an asshole.

Enough said?
Nehru

Hi Tim & Johanna,

Thanks again for the phone call and bike. Since you all didn't see fit to cash in on my previous contest (I think there was an expiration date) sorry. I'm giving you a generous oppertunity for a cash gift of.... ten dollars! I'm sending my first Holy Communion picture. Your task is to pick out the Nehru from the masses (pun not intended) hell it's not going to be easy cuz there are so many of us little angels. Just circle your choice and return to me in 30 days in the envelope provided--and if your right---I will mail you a crisp 10 dollar bill with-in 90 days of the postmark! Good Luck and Godspeed! By the way, that priest to the left touched my private parts for a candy bar. "What has two nuts and makes women fat?" He said as he had his way with me. All I got out of it was a almond-joy. -- and to this day .

Tim - 70 hrs! Holy Molely! And you too Jo those are heavy routines. When I visit your place again I shall be forced by time limitations to cut my bullshit in half. And that's bullshit!

I'm having pen trouble as you might have noticed. I'm sick of discussing my minor health problems in light of 9/10 of the worlds population and Jojo's dad having it so very much worse. I shall say nothing more. I think I did it for the conversation, but Christ what a spoiled pussy and Tim don't get me wrong just cuz i got some handi-caps that I shall never mention again doesn't mean that I can't kick your ass. Ok dude?

Great! Now that I got that out of the way I can open up.

It occured to me the other day the extent of our dickwad prez. I think his claim to fame is that he is (and not John Kerry) the war president. What a crock of shit when you consider his own personal pussy war record. Which, here lately the Pentagon says they destroyed the record of his participation in the National Guard. Yea sure. He just wanted a picture of himself in uniform without the danger of combat. There was 500 people ahead of him but the prick with a silver spoon on his mouth used his connections and for the first time went to the head of the class. To the National Guard - to us at the time, that meant -- not going.

Ok you got me going and I am going to interject myself in to this Vietnam era story. Some of this you may all know, I'm not sure. Back in those days there was a draft. But there was also deferments -- college, homosexuality and a lot more. So, if you were rich, you really did'nt have to go. Dick Chenny our vice prez who is pro war used 5 different differments to keep his ass out. I had a low number in the draft and of course I was young. I had worked earlier at the V.A. and had seen casualities from the war. I didn't like the war but I was willing and able to do my part. Quite frankly the allure of military adventure in which noble men become heroically engaged intrested me. (this is testosterone) All our armys count on it. So in a strange way the possibility of combat at least didn't scare me. Esp when you had a fellow brother by your side. But I had rservations about the war being just. Think back far Tim, when your that young you're not prone to deeep thinking. Wisdom is down the road.

Hence, I joined the Air Force cuz I heard there was a higher class of recruits there. Long story short, I met other people of my thinking. There was, back in those days open insubordination and I got on the bandwagon. There was an evolution of thought. Although admittedly, we were still idiots. But there I was... I was not scared or timid of combat yet my developing conscience would not allow me to be part in the military machine that was killing people and our national security was not threatened.

So I went AWOL (After Women Or Liquor) Had the adventure of my life came back to Loring Air Force base and turntd myself in. I applied for conscientious objector. In the long cold months I had my friends were getting discharged right and left. My application was a bit more complex than just turning yourself in for drugs as my peer group did. My discharge was one in ten in getting accepted. If you got rejected you had to go back to square one.

So there was a group of us from the security police squaudron awaiting discharge. Doing shit duties. Everybody but me knew they were getting out soon. We were called F Troop, base wide. Racial tensions were high. My roommate got sucker-punched for being a honky. The only women up there besides enlisted were the Indians. And they didn't like blacks. Maybe the reason behind the punch. I was cute back then so the fucking Indians like the Nehru. Again long story short. They fucked around with my application. All my buddies are being discharged. True their discharges were less than honorable. For some reason I wanted an honorable discharge just to throw in their faces. And make my fucking point.

So you know the rest, I was the senior member of the F Troop when those fuckers approved my discharge... long time coming... looking back, that I think, was the best thing I did.

Our prez wraps himself in duty and honor submit to you that I and 95 per cent of Americans have put him to shame. What a shameless prick.

Nehru (my wrist is hurting)

Introductory Segment

These segments are somewhat independent of each other -- They should be read at different intervals. If you read them at the same sitting you run the risk of not only getting bored with Nehru's bullshit writing style, you run the real risk of actually hating the author. God forbid that shit. That is not my purpose. My purpose is to inform you and entertain you. All of these pages were scattered and I had to reread them to put them in order. So I can somewhat commiserate with you. They suck and ramble. They are not so funny and now I truly understand why scripts in Hollywood have so many rewrites. That's the best I can say for myself. If I rewrote the stuff it would have been better without all the bullshit and errors.

If there is a theme here, it's my feeling that this current war is so unfortunate and misguided. Our energy is focused there, yet a lot more die in Sudan. Too bad for them, the ground they die on has no oil - or else I think our humanitarian effort and displeasure of tyranny would shift to them. That inconsistency should come as no surprise. Because it reflects human nature and I'm not above it. All I'm saying is that perhaps we should have a leader the better reflects our higher natures. In this next election we shall have a referendum to this effect. I only hope that religion, which I think has been a curse of mankind, becomes secondary in mankinds quest to achieve that higher nature. Not too likely. Our stupidity is manifest, but not irreversible. Hey it's an exclusive club to get into heaven. However, I do so hope that in coming elections rationally trumps religion. So Bush is the coward liar and loser, the charlatan exposed.

"Right on! Fucking A Jody."
-the Pope

"Two thumbs up...way up."
- Ebert and Roper

"Hard to argue his intelligent point"
- Rush Limbaugh

"[This] Motherfucker rocks"
- Pat Robertson, 700 Club

"I only wish I could write music the way this author writes words"
- John Prine

"I can say with no regret that I feel priviledged to be burnt up by this wordsmith"
- The Moose

"His words are deeper than any head I've ever given"
- Linda Lovelace

"Insightful and profanely funny! I wish my middle name was Nehru"
- George Carlin

"His love of humanity shines thru! Much more so than my love of animals - hye's the real deal"
- St. Francis di Assissi

"He touched my heart"
- Shakespere

"The author uses short words to craft long ideas dare I say longer than my dick?"
- John Holmes

"His utter honesty is second to none. Upon reading his truisms a bunch of us guys got together a vowed not to infect C_____'s privates. Right on Nehru!"
- a yeast infection

"This up and coming author is a breath of fresh air. To say different is to say I shit in the woods"
- the Pope again

"We don't give a large rat's ass that Nehru killed us! This is a man on a mission from God"
- dead birds from the sixties

"Nehru speaks the truth thru me or I speak thru him? Hell, I don't know anymore! Who cares. Enjoy!"
- God

"Nehru captivates a soul! He turns you inside out with his stark honesty. However, his ego is *@$#*!*@$#*!*@$#*!*@$#*!*@$#*!*@$#*
- Buddah

"I promise not to run if Nehru promises to write more"
- Ralph Nader

"When we fulfill our destinies we shall pop loudly and proudly for the great man that is to eat us"
- the popcorn on the shelf


Well those were some of the good reviews. However, I would be remiss and somewhat unfair if I didn't include the few negative reviews. So in that spirit and with space running out:

"You suck a big one! I hate your guts, bitch... Your writing is stupid"
- Satan